Okay so this might hurt a little…it’s something I’ve been churning over for a while now. So I’m just going to say it and I’m sure that I’m not the only one who feels it either…
Self care, self love, body positivity and positivity about mental health as a disability is fraught with little IRL sympathy, empathy and understanding. People post about the importance of speaking out against the trolls and the general lack of support for all of the above on their social media feeds yet when it comes down to it, it’s little more than a dismissed, misquoted hashtag for social etiquette.
As someone who flies their disability flag for all to see I’ve not noticed a change in the way people discuss it socially or how I’m spoken to about it… in fact if I’m honest with you, I think we’re regressing.
And I think I am too. I’m struggling to get the message across even to myself so I ask you, what if the biggest hater, is yourself?
All day, every day
I spend endless days and nights criticising myself, finding every flaw for not keeping my shit together in a way that benefits me over others. And it’s a spiral of self loathing and anger over needing support and not wanting support.
I hate on myself for not managing to work full time at the moment, for struggling with being so sensitive and not being able to read social cues. For panicking when I can’t sense someone’s tone in written or spoken word, for apologising when I have to seek guidance when I don’t know. And apologising for myself and how I am and that this illness doesn’t just go away because we share a supporting message on social media.
It’s for life not just for Christmas
Bipolar II and BPD are for life and it’s daily. Daily management, using mindfulness and tools we’re taught. Daily check ins to check our moods, are they this and that and what can I do to improve myself to ensure I care for myself better. When truth be told it’s more about us trying to fit into the norm than it is about the norm trying to fit us in.
All I’ve got is just to stay pissed off
Do I sound pissed off to you? I guess I am. I’m pissed off that every social medium has outpourings of love and support that doesn’t actually filter through to real life for most of us. I’m pissed off that it doesn’t matter how prepared I am or how many skills I learn or how strong I try to be that although I’m ‘better’ I have more bad days than good. That when I have good days I’m exhausted by the end of them and can’t maintain that feeling of being happy in myself.
I know it’s not my fault that i have heightened emotions and that I need medication to feel some sort of stable, it’s not my fault when medication isn’t the only answer and it’s not my fault that I crave support and make people uncomfortable by showing all of that emotion.
I’m pissed off that being sensitive is used as a negative and seen as a personality flaw in our society as a whole.
So yeah. Haters are gonna hate.