Fuck. Well 10 months, it was a good run. Back on 22nd September I posted about noticing that I was in the eye of the storm… well it was strong and no matter the preparation and the efforts to prevent it hitting land. It has, a 6/10 on the bipolar II scale.
Last week I didn’t go to work, I tried working from home which lasted all of a day and then the rest of the time I didn’t wear make up and I stayed in my pyjamas all day. I could barely muster the energy to get up and go to the bathroom or make a cup of tea… but amongst that I made sure I showered and tried to make it out of the house at least every other day… and I did granted 3 minutes down the road to get milk but, I did. I even tackled washing up – my nemesis albeit once.
I just kept feeling and still feel incredibly weighed down and an unbelievable pain in my chest that never leaves even in sleep. The anxiety is palpable and you can see it on my face, and when I look in the mirror I don’t see me looking back at me. I see the depression in my eyes, like someone else is wearing my face.
I’ve practically cancelled every plan I’ve made for 2 weeks and I haven’t made any more… I’m barely keeping in touch with people because I am so frustrated that I’ve failed to keep this episode away and that I’m in it. I’m so disappointed and I can’t communicate to you or anyone just how much pain I’m in and how much fighting this episode is taking it’s toll on me.
I’ve somehow got to muster enough of me from behind this darkness to keep battling on. To go to work, to keep moving forward tiny step after tiny step. I have no sick leave left, and no annual leave well, 1.5 days that I am trying to keep hold of.
And it’s tough. And I’m not going to pretend it isn’t, don’t panic I’m not going anywhere, but neither am I gonna sugar coat the realities of something so many people suffer with. I know a few friends who are in darkness at the moment searching for the moon or any fragment of light to keep them going and one thing we all value and that helps is knowing that people care. Because often the depression will be shouting so loudly how horrendous you are and how unloved you are, that you can’t hear the truth.
So if you wanna know how you can help me or someone else you might know suffering in their own darkness. Reach out. People showing they care whether it’s a text or a letter, a visit, or an open invitation can be enough light to get someone / me through the blackness of the day.