part one. putting it together
As I was thinking of writing this post a Barbra Streisand song kept looping around my head, now don’t get me wrong I love Barb but this song isn’t her finest…
“The art of making art
Is putting it together, bit by bit
Beat by beat, part by part
Sheet by sheet, chart by chart
Track by track, bit by bit,
Reel by reel, pout by pout
Stack by stack, snit by snit,
meal by meal, shout by shout
Deal by deal, spat by spat
Shpiel by shpiel, doubt by doubt
And that… Is the state of the art! “
It’s going around in my head like a boa constrictor tightening itself around it’s prey. Why? Well over the last few months I have decided what I want to do with myself, hell I’m already doing some of it by writing this blog on a regular occasion ‘putting it together‘ so to speak; but one thing I know and I think that I have always known; I need to be helping people.
My job is fine, it’s great, the people are nice and the work is interesting…but I’m not saving anyone, giving back to the world or helping someone discover themselves… it pays the bills but it’s not what I’m passionate about. I am passionate about people. And more to the point, passionate about helping people. If I could do so by writing this blog more regularly and digging a little deeper within myself then perhaps my story will resonate with more of you and we’ll all feel a little less alone and I’ll be giving back to the world in the way that I want to be.
part two. drowning in anxiety
I say all of this whilst seemingly upbeat but behind those words above is a woman drowning in anxiety.
Yeh, you couldn’t tell could you? My anxiety is through the roof at the moment, I’ve not had a fully fledged episode (lasting more than 7 days straight) since January and whilst that is incredible and down to a lot of hard work and external support; my brain won’t hush up with the fear. The fear that at any given moment I won’t be ‘putting it together‘ but more over falling apart, I mean just how long can this good period last? It’s never lasted this long before and so the questions loop around my head, pulling tighter around my neck and making me continuously nauseated. And I am afraid.
What’s more irritating is that I knew this was going to happen, after a period of immense stress or unrest that I always get through rather swimmingly, my brain relapses. I warned everyone that this would happen and yet all of us are wondering what to say to fix it… we’ve not been here in the knowing before, usually we don’t realise until I’ve already damaged something beyond repair or I fall on my face. But here we are in the eye of the storm, wondering how to negotiate with it, how to bade off the bear before it tears me apart. The fear makes me think that it will, tear me apart that is; and it is this anxiety that is crippling me with fear and I really don’t know how to quieten it down. Having insight is one thing, knowing what to do with it another.
You can be as kind to yourself as humanly possible, you can give yourself room to breathe, say ‘it’s ok’ and give yourself that pep talk. But what if that isn’t doing anything what then? I’m flat broke despite trying to keep to my finance plan, still biting my nails to bleeding point, still avoiding social interactions, still pretending to be fine in the hopes that I will be, still having night terrors and barely sleeping. What then?
The anxiety is making me so afraid that I am going to fail that a large proportion of me wants to, just because at least then I’d know how to handle that, I’ve dealt with that so many times before… but this, this unknown – it’s terrifying.