decades of life…

It’s been a while and I’ve been hiding in my head. Gears whirring away in the background whilst the extroverted cog gets shit done and work starts to pan out. It’s been a month of ditching the depression with the darker evenings and breathing much-needed life into those dark and grey corners… I’m not quite alive with the sound of music but, I am getting there.

This month is a poignant one, the last of my twenties but I’ve decided not to reflect on all of the ups and downs that my twenties provided for me other than to note that I survived it all.

I’ve had to say goodbye to people I thought I could never live without; fathers, grandfathers, partners and friends but I’ve come to accept that whether through choice or when there has been no choice at all, that these losses have created the person that I am today. And I have realised through all of it that I am far more compassionate, understanding and more loving a person than I ever was or ever hoped to be when I had them all. And this realisation surprises me.

It surprises me, the strength that I hold within myself that even the darkest of days has yet to destroy. It’s amazing what pure will can do, even when you’re not aware of it, when every other core of your being seems to be working against you to take it away. That’s what I take away from the last 29 years and 11 months, the knowing that despite the odds I can survive the worst of depression and hypomanic days.

What a comfort that is, especially now as a new decade of life soon begins.

 

a collage of seasonsofapril

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Mark Jones says:

    A new decade, with new hopes and new dreams. Keep on chasing them, April.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. jinkerson says:

    Beautiful pictures! Enjoy your 30s, they really are the best years. x

    Like

  3. Mrs Mushroom says:

    When I was in my teens, I dreaded being twenty, but it was so much better than being a teenager. When I was twenty-nine, I went away when it was my birthday, I was so horrified about being thirty; you know what, my thirties were awesome. Thirty-nine brought the same fears again… my forties did take a couple of years to get going, yet once I got into the swing it was better than anything before. My fifties took a while to get going – that bloody dance with that bloody fairy – but she’s away for now, and my fifties are looking like they’ll continue the trend. And sixty is the new thirty, dahling!
    In a long winded way, what I’m saying is that I’ve found that the older I get, the better I deal with life, so the better it feels. I also find that my stock of fucks to give is much reduced which might be part of it…..

    Keep marvelling at your own strength, Apes, keep being surprised by yourself, because you are facing a new world every day and that’s marvellous. Hold that wonder, take joy from it, so that beautiful smile can come out like the sunshine.

    Like

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