It’s been a while and I’ve been hiding in my head. Gears whirring away in the background whilst the extroverted cog gets shit done and work starts to pan out. It’s been a month of ditching the depression with the darker evenings and breathing much-needed life into those dark and grey corners… I’m not quite alive with the sound of music but, I am getting there.
This month is a poignant one, the last of my twenties but I’ve decided not to reflect on all of the ups and downs that my twenties provided for me other than to note that I survived it all.
I’ve had to say goodbye to people I thought I could never live without; fathers, grandfathers, partners and friends but I’ve come to accept that whether through choice or when there has been no choice at all, that these losses have created the person that I am today. And I have realised through all of it that I am far more compassionate, understanding and more loving a person than I ever was or ever hoped to be when I had them all. And this realisation surprises me.
It surprises me, the strength that I hold within myself that even the darkest of days has yet to destroy. It’s amazing what pure will can do, even when you’re not aware of it, when every other core of your being seems to be working against you to take it away. That’s what I take away from the last 29 years and 11 months, the knowing that despite the odds I can survive the worst of depression and hypomanic days.
What a comfort that is, especially now as a new decade of life soon begins.