For once, I am in the throws of a treatment plan and thus far it appears to be going well aside from the occassional throwdown of too much emotion at one time, it’s been a pretty steady period of adjustment. My anxiety for the most part is on check and I am on the whole feeling ‘well’. Crazy right? Who knew getting the right support and treatment could help support someone with Bipolar?! 😉
It’s not all completely rosey and wonderful though, there is a numbness to everything that medication brings. It’s not tearing you up but not tearing you down either. These ‘OK’ periods which I haven’t had much of in the last few years are difficult to navigate as I’m sure many of you will know, it’s the not knowing the territory that can give you the spooks. When you’re depressed it’s ‘easy’ for want of a better word, to manage as you know the fog so well, every little nook, so although it is a hell I’d not wish on anyone, it can offer a familiar solace. When a manic episode hits, in my case of Bipolar II Rapid Cycling, the episodes aren’t too life shattering as I am aware they can be for many people, but for me they are actually a lot of fun. You don’t feel the constraints of life because you’re so busy living it to the max and showing no fear to anyone or anything that you actually don’t give 0 fucks about anything… dangerous yes, but whilst in it, one hell of a ride.
I’ve always struggled with the ‘OK’ days and the feelings that they in turn bring, I am not over the moon, smiling from ear to ear in a cheshire cat madness manner but neither am I rocking in a corner wishing for death to come upon me… the all or nothing of Bipolar and the cycles it brings can often be a comfort. I know some people reading this will think this is A.
Ludicrous and B. Daft especially when I for one have wanted normalcy for such a long time, but when I’ve have it I am completely at a loss as to what to do with it… I am both bored with myself and content at the same time and it baffles me. I am learning what is ‘normal’ for me and I am easily frustrated, angry and pissed off with these findings and then also filled with joy as I realise more and more what I want and hope for my ‘normal’.
So yeh, I’m doing alright and that’s OK. I just need to remember that treatment can take a long time and I must be patient and willing to learn from, adapt to and embrace the feelings that stir within these new scenerios I find myself in. – As I write this all I can hear in my head is Frank Sinatra and his crew singing ‘That’s life, that’s what all the people say’ and I think they may just be on to something…