a little too much…

Often it is when I least expect it that a bad day will come by… today is one of those annoying days when I’ve been feeling much more like my ‘normal’ self yet I woke up with a tightness in my chest and nothing feels quite right. All of the outfits I’ve tried on look like shit, my make up keeps smudging and it’s took all I could to stop myself from getting back into bed and hiding under the covers… and then when I eventually made it out of the house to work, all I could manage is the bashing of my computer keys with a persistent fury.

As I’m sure many Bipolar people will tell you, it is on days like these that I need others the most, even if for the majority of the time I just want to punch someone or something square in the face (don’t worry I won’t), and I’m not my usual loveable self. It is on days like these that it feels like I’m failing, having been doing so well at getting out of the darkness and into work, that I need that gentle reassurance that I’m not as I fear, falling apart and I can in fact ‘do this shit’.

I know the reason I am so frustrated is because everything is taking so long and it’s already July and I’m not where I was hoping I would be in my treatment/remission goals. Granted relying on the NHS to do anything takes ages but *sigh* as the weeks continue to pass all I can see is where I’m not, and not where I have come from – although in saying that being able to read back on these blogs is a real testament to the support I’ve had and the distance I have traveled (albeit slowly and not the kind where you achieve epic tan status).

losing focus…

Because I am irritated to the point of skin crawling today, I have spent the day at my desk with my headphones on finding solace in Spotify (that’s after skipping a million songs because they were pissing me off)… for the past hour I have listened to one song on repeat ‘A Little Too Much’ by Shawn Mendes. It’s a pretty pukey, teenage girl fandom worthy ditty but lyrics, as you well know are my greatest joy and these as simple as they are just describe exactly how I am feeling in this moment:

She would not show that she was afraid,
But being and feeling alone was too much to face,
Though everyone said that she was so strong,
What they didn’t know is that she could barely carry on,

But she knew that she would be okay,
So she didn’t let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realise that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don’t have to be afraid, because we’re all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much,

She would always tell herself she could do this
She would use no help it would be just fine
But when it got hard she would lose her focus
So take my hand and we’ll be alright

And she knew that she would be okay,
So she didn’t let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don’t have to be afraid, because we’re all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much, yeah.

The lyric that is particularly resonating with me is “when it got hard she would lose her focus”, and I really have… the healthy eating, gym, art therapy stuff that I am in control of, is just falling by the way side despite of me really actually wanting to do it – I mean last week I went to the gym on a SUNDAY, a fucking Sunday! Honestly I am as shocked as you. Yet there’s this weight that I can’t shift and an anxiety that has deepened over the last few days, I’m giving excuses for putting things off and there’s no real reason, other than that because I’ve been trying so hard for so long I can’t keep the momentum going, it’s so HARD. The medical support I’m supposed to have is being so pants due to general lack of communication, so it’s resulted in me having to wait for new medication and this lethargic attitude that I honestly just can’t be arsed with.

working 9-5

Staying focused and well is seriously hard work, and it is like work because I’m constantly having to try to; rationalise my thoughts, monitor my moods, ensure I’m working through my steps, managing anxiety so severe I’ve damaged the muscles in my jaw and given myself a constant headache for 10 weeks, reflecting my best self, trying not to let it interfere with my relationships and not impact too drastically on my ability to do my actual job. And it’s especially tough when someone as ‘high functioning’ and determined as me wants to be well right this second that I don’t have a moment to lose.

But as Shawn Mendes keeps repeating to me as I write this, I know that this fog will soon clear up and this little blip of self doubt, irrational thought and irritability will soon pass and I will be ever closer to reaching the end goal. Hurrah.

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