They say that time is a healer, and Eva Cassidy sings it beautifully so it must be true right? But for me, time is just space in which to worry… worry about the little things and the big things, from the obscure to the every day ‘am I going to make it to work on time’ lottery.
This week I have been even more anxious than usual – which is a mean feat! The anxiety has reached peak levels of waking me up randomly in the morning, making me feel like I’m having a heart attack whilst feeling like I’m on-board the Titanic until I can’t possibly take anymore and I physically have to get rid of it, like a cat and its hairballs. Pretty fucking gross really.
Despite the major anxiety levels these past few weeks since my last post have been predominantly positive, I’ve let go of the people who make me feel drained and used and instead have focused on the people that make me feel worthy and loved. Finding the support in the people that are there time and time again rather than trying to find it elsewhere. There’s always a fear of being a burden to others when an episode occurs, like you’re piggy backing on someone when you well know that at 29 you’re too big and heavy to be doing so! It’s something I’ve spoken to my good friends and family about and I think I am finally beginning to hear them when they tell me I’m not a burden and that they want to support me; perhaps not with a piggy back but a wheelbarrow, fork lift truck or a hand holding instead.
In other news, I have a medicine review this week (hence the uncontrollable anxiety), and following January’s nothingness I am more prepared than I was for my A level exams. I have researched the medication options available for us pesky rapid cyclers, looked at the common and very common side effects, spoken to fellow bipolar suffers online and informed my bosses and friends / family of what they should be prepared for should I indeed change my medication. Personally I’m not rooting for a complete change but a combination medication plan that would introduce another drug on top of the lithium. Mostly because of the research and people I’ve spoken with, this form of treatment has calmed their cycling and allowed them to have a sense of normalcy that they’ve been unable to achieve with just one drug and alternate treatment plan alone.
So wish me luck my darling readers, as always I’ll keep you informed of any developments but here’s hoping my hard work to keep my end of the bargain (exercise, diet etc) and your support is for once backed up by the NHS and medical professionals. Because if I’ve learned anything it’s that if there’s hope for me, there’s hope for you too.