I am so angry all of the time, everyone and everything pisses me off. It shouldn’t, I have a good job Googling shizz most of the day, a small yet perfect little family and friends that crack me up daily yet I spend my days hating my existence.
So last Friday morning I counted out all of my medication; 30 paracetamol, 46 lithium, 12 ibruprofen and a couple of non descript pain relief tablets. I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure that would do it.
I know reading that sounds a little scary, a little dramatic – trust me I know, but for over three weeks every other thought running through my head was either how much I hated myself or what the point of this life is if I have to struggle with this illness forever.
And so I counted and recounted, poured a glass of squash and sat and stared at the tiny white pills for 4 hours. Now being the biggest worrier on the planet… I wondered if anyone would come looking for me and how long it would take…and more worryingly at least in my head, whether the cat would end up eating my face like you hear of in dodgy local newspapers…
It was this thought that snapped me back to reality. I mean I don’t like myself a jot but I’m at least aware there’s a handful of people that do, and well I didn’t want my poor mum to find me half eaten by Archie. So I put all of the pills back and carried on as usual.
And I am unbelievably glad that I did because I had a great weekend meeting new people, being silly and I was reminded of all of the things I love about the life I have… it doesn’t mean I suddenly love myself and am not frustrated and angry, because I am but, I didn’t let the Bipolar win.
So I am sharing this with you not to worry you or make some dramatic statement but it’s not often people say how it really is with mental health, they sugar coat it and say how ok they are and what a blessing it is to be different and how it makes them who they are.
Well fuck that. It’s bollocks and it feels bollocks when you’re in the middle of it… But thankfully I know it gets better and I know I’ll be ok, because I’m a fighter. And fighters win.