They say there are stages of grief. That there are key emotions that you go through to deal with a loss, and I guess they’d be right…
For me as I have previously blogged, the pain began as an overwhelming, all consuming emotion darker than any depressive episode I’ve ever had and then it faded into a sea of waves that would catch me off guard and take me under so deep I could barely breathe. And that’s how it’s been for nearly 6 months. 5 1/2 to be precise. And yet it doesn’t feel like it has been this long, that the time has past me by in a blur of events and celebrations that he, my beloved grandfather and best friend has not been a part of and, I miss him.
Especially at the moment. There’s so much I need to say to him, advice that only he has ever been able to give. He is the only person that ever truly understood me and I miss him. I need him to tell me what to do, whether to stay in my job or move on, whether I’m strong enough to deal with the challenges it would bring. I need his reassurance and understanding, I am going through these challenges without him and it hurts beyond measure.
Earlier this week I was looking out of the car window and I thought I saw him, the tears fell before I even knew they were there and I have realised that I saw him because I needed to, because I had blocked him out in a bid to move on with my life. But I can’t avoid him and I can’t avoid the unexplainable loss I feel everyday. I wake up and I am sad, I thought maybe I was headed for another depressive episode but really it’s just the grief coming back in a strong wave of sadness and pain that is so lonely without him.
I have been afraid to let my guard down recently and to trust and believe that this happiness I feel is real. Because the person I would usually go to for opinion and approval isn’t here.
So gramps if you’re out there, let me know some how if I’m making you proud, if the current life choices I have to make with work are the right ones Because I so greatly need your guidance and love.