Today’s post is all about me, wait, I know what you’re thinking ‘hang on they’re always about you’ and I’d be inclined to agree on the most part. But I’d then argue that actually they’ve mostly been covering my crazy brain and experience of grief… So today I am allowing a post that is all about moi! (I do hope you continue reading, I’ll make it worth your while 😉 )
When in therapy the other week my therapist, who by the way is lovely, asked me what I wanted to be. More to it who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, what I wanted from my life and so on. This took me back a little, I mean how the hell do I know? I have lived in a bipolar bubble for so long that I have forgotten to dream and have goals that don’t include ‘don’t have any sick days for a month’ or ‘wash up every day’… Pathetic goals for some, huge milestones for me.
Back in the day, well up until the age of 23 I wanted to be a Blue Peter Presenter, for 18 years of my life that was my one and only goal… I took drama classes, singing lessons, gained my very own badge, wrote to the presenters and everything in between.
But the dream died as my breakdowns took over and as I claw my way back I have realised that I don’t have a dream in the same way that I did then, something that I am so passionate about, it runs through my veins.
I have some far out dreams; I’d like to set up a charity for rape victims but I think I need to be a little older and a little wiser before I do that… And also write a book, based on my experiences that isn’t all dull and depressing like so many books on mental health are, I especially hate the ones that are all zen and look how great I am now. Because it’s bullshit.
So I am doing some soul searching in the hope of discovering my new dream.
Then there’s the others stuff like who do I want to be, my answer is always the same; kind. Always, kind. I think people can find it difficult to be kind and honestly I don’t particularly think it’s that hard per se but if I am to be remembered for anything, I’m not bothered about it being about looks or success on paper. No when it boils down to it, when people talk about me I want them to say ‘Awh Yeh that april’s a nice girl, so kind and considerate’, I don’t think I’m quite there yet but I think I’m giving it a darn good go…
In the mean time, if I can borrow your dreams or if you have any ideas for me then answers on a postcard please.