mixed messages

Today has been three months since the worst day… Worse than any assault or abandonment… I never thought anything could be worse than those things. But it can. Losing a love, losing a friend, that’s the worst thing and I guess in my head I feel that I should be better, that I should be moving forward but deep down beneath all of the self hate… Is someone who is frightened of being happy, because how could I possibly be happy without him here?

If I’m being honest I worry that because it’s no longer a constant pain but a wave that comes and goes that I am forgetting him. And I cannot bare that feeling, such anguish and hurt and missing. I feel like I am missing a part of me and that I am walking around with a hole in my heart so large you can see it. Time may heal but it also only makes the pain more acute when the waves hit.

And I am having good days, I am laughing and feeling more ‘well’ than I have in a long time but the anxiety has worsened and I bite my nails so low that they bleed and hurt, My vertigo and fear of stairs is back with vengeance and then I question myself and the ‘wellness’ that against all odds I have achieved.

Today for example, my brain has been telling me that I am failing. That I’ve not achieved, that I’ve not made progress. That I am a joke of a person whom people merely ‘put up with’ and that I will never succeed. I know it’s because I’m battling a mixed mood state of my rapid cycling bipolar as well as the grief. But I just wish my brain could just calm the fuck down, just for a minute so I can unscramble the mixed messages and truly appreciate how strong I am, and how much I have achieved.

Because really I think he gave this to me, he gave me the willingness to try and a strength I never could see in myself, that he always could… to never give up, and I don’t want to let him down.


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