here comes the rain again…

There is nothing worse than fear.

It will hold you back and make you doubt yourself. It will make you question your decisions, capabilities and future. It is a bacteria, breeding from a tiny cell into a living, breathing entity that no anti-biotic can cure…

Unfortunately with Bipolar, fear is a common occurrence… From the fear of falling in the shower never to be discovered, to being unable to wash cutlery in case of injury. Sometimes the fear is just that, a tiny cell of bacteria that you can quash with some tlc and rest, but often it builds so that you are leaving cutlery in the sink for a week until you have no choice but to wash them up as tears fall down your face.

Everyone has fear, it’s not exclusive to Bipolar sufferers, but it is when this fear becomes an anxiety that prevents you from living a ‘normal’ life that it becomes a problem… And that is the fear I live with each day. Not being able to wash cutlery has no consequences for anyone but me – unless you come over for a cup of tea and I’m out of spoons…

At the moment I am struggling with an intensity of fear and anxiety that is hard to put into words, it’s preventing me from seeing things as they are and stopping me in my tracks. I can’t bring myself to do the things I love for fear of doing something inexcusable, whether it is simple craft, reading, dating or even using my voice at work. I have so much self doubt I can barely breathe and I’ve had a constant headache for over a month… It’s consuming and draining trying to remain focused and put one foot in front of the other…

My biggest fear at the moment is my impending medicine review. I have been taking lithium for almost a year and whilst granted, it keeps me with a level of head that enables me to hold down a job and function, it prevents me from truly feeling the good. So I am being considered for other medicine options… This brings some positives, it brings hope that I can find some level of normalcy that in turn brings its own happiness but I am scared because changing medication is excruciatingly difficult, not only does it mess up your emotions for a time as you change and settle, but it comes with its own side effects – mostly physical and so I worry what I can really handle at the moment.

I am still devastated at the loss of my grandfather and think of him constantly… I am trying to deal with this grief as best I can but the fear grows as I worry that if I become to consumed in my grief that I won’t be able to take care of myself in a way that keeps me working and functioning at the rate that I am…

My thoughts are all over the place at the moment and I am desperately trying to make sense of it all so I can take some control of the fear and get my life back…

So I apologise for the rather waffling / all over the place post.


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