Sometimes it is within the silence that everything becomes so very loud, like the ticking of a clock with its usually so quiet tick and tock or the hum of a refrigerator that is so rarely heard, it is in these silences when my thoughts are left to chit and chatter as loudly as can be.
At the moment I have a guilt that I cannot shake, I’m watching someone I deeply care about deteriorate at a speed even Keanu Reeves couldn’t find the need for, half wanting it to be over for their sake and selfishly for my own. When they no longer recognise who you are, so madly yet blissfully unaware of what’s going on around them, it breaks a little of your heart each time you see them. Every time my phone rings I’m wondering if it will bring with it that awful guilt filled relief along with so much pain that I can’t bear to think about it, and then there is the other guilt of not ever wanting them to leave, ever. Even if it’s not best for them.
Now as I half sit, half lay down to write this with laptop on lap I am very aware that I have broken a promise to myself to blog every week…yet for the life of me I couldn’t even if I had wanted to, as I haven’t had the words to say. I feel like I’m in one of those movie montage’s where the actor is standing silently and the world is spinning in double time around them…like I should have a Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy, voice over narration telling it like it is.
This week I have been busying myself so much that I have barely slept, spent too much money and made a couple of decisions I should have considered more carefully and not acted so flippantly about. And so the pressure mounts and I am throwing myself into work instead as that seems to be the only thing that keeps me away from the silence and away from those wrong decisions, well mostly.
We all make them so I don’t feel guilty because I’ve made them but more because I haven’t taken the time to consider how it would affect me afterward. Spending money on stuff you don’t really need is great until you realise it may mean beans on toast until payday (£8.50 on a mug is not a sound investment April), kissing that cute boy you’ve liked for months is great whilst it’s happening and even for a while after but it’s only ok if you know that’s all you want it to be (after all I seem incapable of even making a cup of tea in my new mug without some stupid feeling getting in the way), going out drinking on a school night is fun but it’s not the next day when you look like shit and feel like you might nod off at your desk (note to self, always carry concealer in your handbag).
You see this is what happens in the silence, too many thoughts and now all I can hear is the sound of that blasted tick and tock.