My posts have all been a bit on the negative side of late, unfortunately that’s the reality of the depressive episodes of this shitty illness – but! Good news folks, the fog has almost completely lifted, almost and the waves have calmed so much so that I can barely feel them anymore…
What made this change in weather?
Well last week I had an epically long skype chat with a dear and good friend of mine Chloe. We caught up and then out of nowhere I found myself offloading everything I’ve been thinking and feeling for the last few months, I was truly honest and it was a relief. Now don’t get me wrong I have many people in my life who support me and give the opportunity to open up and get it all out of my head, for which I am truly grateful. But when it comes to the nitty gritty, cold hard truth, warts and all, and for reasons we’ve never really understood, Chloe and I click.
She has some experience in dealing with mental health which isn’t her own and not my story to tell, but suffice to say hearing it from an outsiders perspective is a true awakening. There is an honesty and kindness in deliverance with Chloe that is unlike anyone I’ve spoken with about it before… You know how sometimes you just meet someone one day and you’re like ‘yeh I like you, you get me and I get you, let’s be buddy’s’ and that’s how it’s been with Chloe since I first met her.
Anyway… I digress,
I’ve really been struggling with fighting out of the white fog for a good few months now and Chloe just said, rather nonchalantly something along the lines of ‘maybe you’re finding it difficult because it’s different than usual, perhaps this is just a new part of the illness you have to learn to manage’.
Simple enough right? But it resonated.
You can ask anyone I am always fighting, trying my butt off and working hard to be myself and have a decent life whilst trying to manage the moods… And what Chloe noticed was something I hadn’t seen. Sure I’ve got a lot down pat, and am kicking ass – living alone, working full time, maintaining relationships etc. But I realised in her words that it doesn’t always have to be a fight to win the war, sometimes it’s not a weakness to ask yourself ‘what the fuck do you want? What is going on with you brain?’. And most importantly that once you’ve asked yourself those questions that you can be open to listening and accepting the answers you hear yourself give.
So this post is really something to remember when you’re feeling like shit… Don’t beat yourself up all of the time but give yourself a moment to truly listen to what you’re really telling yourself and then use that as ammunition to pick yourself up and keep fighting. You may not win the war but you will win every battle.
It’s also a HUGE thank you to my friends and family who continue to support me whether it’s through flower deliveries, letters, texts, hair cuts, meals, cups of tea, in the darkness and in the sun.
But especially a huge thank you to Chloe for making me find a reason within myself.