This past week has been filled with anxiety and stress that even through other depressive episodes will be a time etched deep into my conscious… It’s been filled with drama of family and love, friends and foes but mostly it’s been a weight so heavy that I couldn’t bare it…
So I called the crisis team.
I’ve called the Samaritans before granted but I’ve never done this, I phoned them and begged them to help me, I told them how I was feeling that I’d been driving and kept thinking ‘what if I just…’ – terrifying thoughts to me now but at the time felt like a solution… And just this effort of talking allowed me to carry on functioning for a little while… It got me to work, It allowed me the courage to drive to Devon for a friends wedding, tell an important person how I really felt about them, the energy to enjoy and appreciate a day with my mother.
But yet as I write this I am in bed for the third day, I haven’t washed my hair for 5 days or showered for 3. I have slept, eaten and watched copious amounts of netflix. Yet the thought of getting up and facing the world has been too much.
I’ve set myself tasks, I’ve managed to go to see a dear friend and do a grocery shop as well as change my bed sheets… But in three days it’s all I have accomplished.
I am exhausted and feel like I could
Sleep forever and each morning I have been, way into the afternoon… And Im unsure as to why, when I had my break down a few years ago I was terrified of the shower, scared I’d slip and fall or drown ?! – so much so my Ex fiancé had to sit in the room with me. And it’s consuming me now… I have no thoughts, no feelings as such other than the fear of showering and facing the world. But I soon have to face it as tomorrow is the end of my annual leave and I have to return to work. And truthfully, I am scared.
But first today, I must conquer the shower fear as I have my first care assessment in my new area and let’s be fair no one wants a stinky mess whinging at them for an hour.
So perhaps they can do something or say something that will pull me out of this funk I’m in and bring me back into the real world – as long as it’s not chin up love, I freaking hate that.
* note. Since writing this I have showered, had my Assessment and conquered ikea. Upwards from here!