There are times when I am so lost in the darkness that I can barely see and when in that darkness all that I can see is the darkest shade of black I have ever known, it consumes my every feeling, every thought, and every dream. It starts like a mist, grey but still full of light, then the mist drifts into a fog and it’s all I can do to keep breathing. In. Out. In. Out.
Often I can’t see it coming it just blinds me one morning and my heart feels like it might leap from my chest just so it is anywhere else but in me, alone, with ‘it’. It feels like being hit by a wave when you’re swimming in the sea, the ones that are so unexpected they knock you from your feet, that’s how it feels every moment, of every day.
This wave of fog that beats itself down on me is exhausting it consumes every inch of my being, I can barely keep the tears from my eyes as the thoughts in my head turn into over drive. And they are always the same, this never ending thought that I cannot be loved, no, do not deserve it; ‘How could anyone love you?’, ‘you’re not worth anybody’s time’, ‘why did you just do that? They won’t love you now’, ‘Nobody means it when they say it’, ‘you’re ugly inside and out’… and it continues until all of the thoughts disperse and then regroup into one big bomb that explodes over and over until the pain is almost too much to bare.
I know what you’re thinking, they’re just thoughts, think rationally but it’s like the song that you can’t get out of your head, it just plays on repeat whether you like it or not, it plays.
When you’re deep in the depths of it and you can barely summon the strength to get dressed, when all you see of yourself is disgust and anger and frustration – the horrid part is that you believe that those dark thoughts are true. But even that is nothing in comparison and can’t prepare you for when the depression reaches its peak of self-destruction. You ruin your relationships because you feel it is better for the other person if they are not near you, so you say or do anything that you know will make them walk away. Be it friend, boyfriend, family or colleagues. Anything to give justification to the feelings and thoughts the fog has brought down on you.
There’s the other part of course, when you start to think you’ve turned a corner and the fog eases and the mist reappears and there is a glimmer of light, that’s when the waves hit harder and the bombs get bigger… they explode and knock you down deeper until you’re back in the darkness that you tried so hard to get out of. And there are no words that could explain the detail of pain that it causes, the weight that it puts on you, how no amount of sleep is ever enough, no food comforts, no words spoken, and no one can make it better.
All that is left is the dark.